A Calcmas Carol

No one has more Calc problems than the mayor.
No one.

I must get called at least once a month to rid his property of the bony bastards.

I have never quite figured out what it is about his place that seems to draw them in. Sure, the guy is well off enough, but it's not like he's sitting on a PILE of gold.

Well, I'm not really going to complain, because it helps pay the rent, and has allowed me to get close enough to the mayor that I can get by with most of the property damage my line of work brings without having to go to COURT.

Anyway, I got a call from the mayor at about midnight, saying he had some stuff missing from his house, and thought the Calcs might be sneaking in and robbing him. I considered suggesting that it could be run-of-the-mill thieves, but I needed the money, so I grabbed my gear and got ready to head out.

I wasn't having any luck sleeping anyway-- my neighbor had some kind of weird music playing and the sound was shaking my walls. He must have had some kind of rave going on, because when I left I saw all kinds of colorful lights coming from his windows. This happens AT LEAST twice a week. I am going to have to talk to him about that.

I get to the mayor's place at about 1:30 am and ask him what is missing. The mayor tells me that they seem to be going after boxes and chests. Typical Calc thinking: a box is a treasure chest, and must have something valuable in it. So far, they had just got a couple shoe boxes full of receipts and some wrapped presents the mayor had under his Christmas tree.

The confusing part was how they were getting in; not a single door was left unlocked or a window found broken. I decided to camp out on the mayor's couch and wait to see what happened.

It wasn't too long before I found out what was going on. About an hour after I arrived, I heard some scratching noises on the roof. Didn't think much of it at first. Thought it must be birds, but I grabbed The Bat all the same.

Imagine my surprise when I see a pair of legs wearing red pants drop down the chimney by the tree. The shock was even greater when a Calc crawled out of the fireplace, FULLY DRESSED as Santa Claus, fake beard and all.

Now you know ole Jonesy's seen a lot in his time, but this takes the cake and throws it out the window and then asks for another and there's not even an extra cake so all around everyone is pretty upset. I mean where did a CALC even get this idea? Did he steal someone's TV and see some Christmas cartoons? I don't know, but The Bat quickly put everything back in order.

I smashed the damn thing's filthy skull, and decided to check the roof, just to make sure there weren't any of his buddies lurking around.

That was when it went from weird to FUCKING STRANGE.

The roof was clear, but there was an odd shadow on one corner of the estate. As I approached, I made out the shape of a sled with eight Calc REINDEER tethered to it.

This bastard went all out.

I didn't even want to think what a MESS it was going to be putting the damn things down. Calc animals tend to be real biters, so I didn't want to get too close. They looked mean anyway.

Jonesy pulled through, though. I quickly ran back to the mayor's house, grabbed some alcohol, made some Molotov Cocktails, and set the ugly beasts on fire.

The one downside was they went crazy and ran into the mayor's shed, burning it down, before eventually dying.

The mayor wasn't too pleased about the shed, but that is the way this job goes. Sometimes you gotta burn a few sheds to make an omelet.


Watch your chimneys, people.


Merry Christmas,

Jonesy Sawbones.