Calc Hunting

I can't even begin to describe my day today, but I'll start nonetheless. The mansion, of course, was the perfect breeding ground for Calcs. I say "breeding ground" but we don't really know where they breed, or even IF (hoping on not), so let's just say that I see these assholes in places like this all the time. Clumsy and slow, (like always) and they seemed to be standing still staring at a wall when we entered the room, (again, as always). These guys were of the "fur boots and horned helmet" types, carrying what looked to be about-a-billion-year-old maces. It's like they're making fun of us when they try to wear human things; doubtless these artifacts were taken from the last poor souls these bloodless Calcs encountered.

Matthews prides himself on his proficiency with the rifle but the repeated ricochets off of the helmets just knocked these guys off balance. This gave them something to look at and soon enough, it was time to earn our money. We've found that simple blunt force works best against these guys, so most of us carried a favorite item from the tool shed; others, the sports department. I myself work with a treasured wooden baseball bat. Matthews claims that there is a certain spot on Calcs that, when hit with a bullet, will bring them down in one shot. We have yet to see that actually happen.

Afterwards, we hauled the maces and helmets back to the store, and I mean HAULED. Lord knows how those things could even move their heads anywhere except straight down, staring at their stupid boots. We left the boots. Tony is a good man and he generally gives us a good deal, but for some reason we never have been able to make a profit off of Calc loot. Ever. He actually laughed when he saw the helmets as we grunted them in. Appraising them, he hefted the mace to clang against the helmet, either because he could or because he wanted to prove a point.

"A buck a piece."

I was shocked. They were rusty, sure. They were heavy, DAMN sure. But they were also OLD. That had to be worth something. Tony countered with the argument that, on top of the extremely poor quality of the merchandise, nobody wanted to buy "Calc shit." So it was either argue all day or just take the ten bucks.

One day, a Calc is going to drop something that's actually worth something. And I'll be there.